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Okay, so I’ve already gushed about how much I’ve loved Brene Brown’s Rising Strong. There have been several parts I want to re-read, discuss and work through, just because I think they’re so helpful to everyday life, but there’s one theme in the book that’s been reverberating through my life every single day since I’ve read it:
When we have limited information, we immediately start filling in the gaps to help us make sense of what’s going on.
That’s the heart of most misunderstandings. We’re natural-born storytellers, and when something happens in our lives, we’re likely to jump to conclusions (often subconsciously), telling ourselves stories about the other person’s motivations, actions and decisions that can lead us to unfairly judge the situation.
In the book, Brown gives an example of going on vacation and swimming in a lake with her husband. She repeatedly makes comments about enjoying being with him — bids for connection, to share the moment with him and feel closer to him — and he seems to brush them off, giving one-word answers and seeming distracted and disinterested.
Brown’s mind starts filling in the blanks before she can even process what’s going on. Her go-to answer, like so many of us, is pricking her own insecurity: That she’s not as good a swimmer as she used to be, and doesn’t look so hot anymore in a Speedo. She feels rejected by him, but rather than harrumphing off and giving him the silent treatment — or exploding in rage — she decides to get vulnerable, explaining to him that his brush-offs hurt her feelings, and that as a result, the story she’s making up is that he’s not as into her as he used to be.
It’s a dangerous move, because if that’s how her husband really feels, he’s put in a position to confirm it. But even having that fear confirmed is better than stewing in your own insecurity, assuming the worst and hating a person for a bunch of unconfirmed feelings you’ve pushed on him.
As it turns out, he was stunned by what Brown was feeling. He was focused on swimming and thinking about taking the kids out on that lake, and how terrified he was that he might not be able to protect them from speeding boaters. He was trying to work through those concerns, which had taken over his thoughts, so he didn’t even catch Brown’s comments as her reaching out to him, trying to connect with him.
If she kept it in or started shouting at him for not appreciating her, they’d both get defensive and cold toward each other. It made me start to question how often I read an email or a situation and start filling in the gaps with what a person must “really mean” or “really think” by it — and how unfair that is to do to a person.
Now, I’m trying to catch myself when I start to make assumptions and go straight to the source. It is not easy, especially for someone who HATES confrontation like I do, but I’m working on it. Daily.
This post is part of Life Between Weekends’ Tuesday Takeaway series. Every Tuesday, we’ll share the most compelling insight we’ve gleaned from a book, movie, tour, documentary or article to inspire you during the workday.
Top Photo: Josh Felise/Unsplash