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Long before Friday Night Lights star and ABLE founder Minka Kelly’s memoir came out, people were buzzing about how open and raw she was about her traumatic past. Then the Tell Me Everything hit stores, and the focus seemed to shift to dissecting—and obsessing—over its juiciest star-studded moments (namely, her on-and-off relationship with Taylor Kitsch, AKA Tim Riggins in FNL).
Even though her time on the series barely formed a chapter, a few paragraphs eclipsed everything. And focusing on that romance doesn’t do justice to the book itself, which is poignant, vulnerable—and, most powerfully, layers her experience with the kind of insights, perspective and empathy that comes from years of therapy and self-work. And, quite frankly, we could all learn a thing or two from.
The book is largely about Kelly’s upbringing, and her relationship with her mom, who struggled with drug addiction as she worked as a stripper and lingerie model, often disappearing for long stretches (in one case, over a year) of Kelly’s life. Sometimes, she was left with total strangers. Occasionally, her adopted Dad, who turned increasingly abusive as she got older. She addresses the parental negligence head-on, saying her mom could be “shitty” but also never throwing a pity party for herself. She’s matter of fact about what happened, while also acknowledging the battles each person faced that shaped them into who they were—and, in turn, shaped her into who she is.
Kelly opens up about manipulative and abusive boyfriends—including one who convinced her to create a sex tape when she was 17, only to later have to pay him $50,000 to get him to stop trying to shop it around when she found TV fame. And how she found herself in “awareness hell,” after years of talk therapy:
“I was acutely conscious of all the patterns and unhealthy choices I made with men, but I didn’t know how to unravel those wires,” she writes. “It will never cease to amaze me that we recreate the environments we grew up in because it’s what we know. We go where it’s familiar, even if it hurts.“
She found she had a mental block that prevented her from delving deep into her pain and its root, ultimately deciding she needed to “pave new neural pathways” as she delved into psychotherapy. It helped her see that at some point, subconsciously, she seemed to decide that men couldn’t be trusted and always must be kept at a distance, so she’d run before anyone she loved had a chance to hurt or reject her.
“My hypervigilance was always on the lookout for any sign that I was unsafe. And if you look, you will surely find,” she explains. “So any hint of danger would be the confirmation bias I was looking for to let me know it was time to run.”
Now, she’s working on identifying those moments. “Triggers will always be a part of my life, but I can choose how I respond to those triggers,” she writes, later adding, “Most important, though, was learning that I couldn’t blame anyone or anything outside of myself for the cycles I kept finding myself mired in.”
Her journey is a reminder that you never truly know what someone else is going through, and how powerful it is to examine our stories—and theirs—to gain deeper understanding of our world. We’re all a work in progress, but the work is worth it.
You can find Tell Me Everything on Amazon and at most major bookstores.
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